"The blood was squirting, which means it's arterial..."

As surfers, as seafaring adventurers, we are well aware of the dangers we face every time we step foot in the vast ocean. From sharks to stingrays, extra chilly temperatures to sunburn, trouble lurks everywhere to make no mention of the surfboard itself. The fiberglass and foam missile, either Patriot or SCUD (longboard), is the vehicle for fun, certainly, but get out of line and wham-o. Right in the kisser.

Or worse.

And let us travel to San Diego’s Pacific Beach where a 22-year-old was miraculously saved after slicing her femoral artery with the nasty fin of her surfboard.

“I remember coming up from the water, and then within five seconds, I felt the excruciating pain,” Allie Brieghner told San Diego’s NBC affiliate.

Within 20 seconds, she passed out.

Her friend, Alec Maddox, thankfully nearby saw she was in trouble.

“The blood was squirting, which means it’s arterial, so I had to get her out of the water as fast as I could.”

The brave man carried her to the beach and fashioned a tourniquet from leashes which he cranked down tight with a stick.

“Somebody nearby found me the surf leash, and they detached it from the surfboard, so I just wrapped it around her leg a couple of times and made a little loop because you need to put a stick through this so you can crank it, so I had somebody go grab me a stick as well,” Maddox said, having learned the trick in the Marine Corps.

Ms. Brieghner was rushed to a local hospital where doctors removed her femoral artery and stapled it back together before re-inserting it into her leg.

“If there’s anything that anyone can take from this, it is to be more aware of the board you have and the fins because it was a freak accident. If they were more like a rubber fin, I don’t think it would have severed my femoral artery or cut through as much,” she said at the end.

Food for thought.

“Mick Fanning being interviewed after I assume 40 beers was the icing on the cake.”

If you’re an Australian living on its eastern mainland flank, but not including Victoria, you’ll be aware there was a rugby league grand final last night and that a team called Penrith, which is a little town at the foot of the Blue Mountains, won a tremendously exciting match.

And, the three-time world champ Michael Eugene Fanning, who was born in Penrith in 1981 before moving to Tweed Heads in 1993, was in the thick of the celebrations, looking very much like a pink-faced cherub amid the sweating brown bodies.

Following the game, Fanning, forty-two and very much nourished by the win, was interviewed by a television reporter and gave a performance that has been unanimously praised by football fans on social media.

 

 

 

 

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“Mick Fanning ain’t driving the Panthers bus tonight.”

“I reckon Mick Fanning has had a beer or 20!!”

“Mick Fanning is smashed haha.”

As he strolled through the winning players, Mick responds to questioning with,

“Are you kidding? This is the best thing ever. Oh my god, this is sooo amazingl, like, phew, look at it!”

Tears in Kelly Slater’s camp, however, as Mick, a straight-shooter if ever there was one, tells the reporter that Penrith’s co- captain Nathan Clearly is “the greatest athlete on earth” usurping common opinion, including mine, that Slater is the greatest sportsman of any era and medium.

Not Mick.

“Seriously, I swear to God, (Cleary’s) the greatest athlete on earth,” repeats Mick. “He went absolutely loony.”

Pointed.

Watch here!

Will rebel Surfing Santas arise?

It is now the first day of October and the commencement of the holiday season crackles on the ever cooling (or warming for our Australian brothers and sisters) air. The unmistakable scent of Laird Superfoods Pumpkin Spice non-dairy coffee creamer wafting. Peace and goodwill on the House floor of the U.S. Congress. Surfing Santas dusting off those iconic red costumes, getting ready to paddle out on Christmas Day.

Yes, the yearly tradition in Cocoa Beach, Florida brings much joy to all. As many as 800 Santas now surf for a crowd that has swelled to over 10,000 underneath the all-seeing eye of the town’s Kelly Slater statue.

A perfect marriage of whimsy and pride.

Alas, though, heartbreaking news has just rippled through the entire Space Coast as Surfing Santas event is set to move away from the bronze and beautiful Slater, three miles up the beach to some strip of god-forsaken nothing.

In a stunning announcement, organizers attempted to soft-pedal the tragedy, declaring:

We have EXCITING NEWS! Surfing Santas 2023 will be in a NEW LOCATION! We’ll be surfing and celebrating right down the road at Shepard Park, Cocoa Beach… where 520 meets the ocean. This is a really great change for us for so many reasons, but here are just a few:

-More beachfront and nearby parking… goodbye, stressful traffic jams!
-Less overall congestion than downtown as attendees can arrive directly from north, south and west, and guests in the nearby beachside hotels can walk to the venue.
-Easier access set up for staging and closer media and staff parking and access. (Our amazing volunteers will jump for joy at this one.)
-Actual handicap parking and easy access to the beach.
-Opportunity and room for the possibility of coffee/food trucks to participate.
-A brick and mortar bathroom at the park + more room for portalets than downtown Cocoa Beach.
– Onsite power and water.
-Public gazebos where families or friends can hang out or picnic after the event.
-It is one block from the Florida Surf Museum, which actually hosts the event — this will provide the opportunity for more people to actually visit the museum!
-Lots of local restaurants to serve our Surfing Santas family. (Our friends at Long Doggers are close by and open for lunch!)
-It is still Cocoa Beach! Home sweet home.

We are so stoked for Christmas Eve morning at Shepard Park, and we look forward to this year being our best one yet. See you there!

Can it ever really be Christmas without the Kelly Slater statue? No amount to brick and mortar bathrooms can make up for this.

No word, yet, if purists might stage a rebel Surfing Santas event at the site of its original home.

Here’s hoping for a Christmas miracle.

But blink and you’ll miss!

It’s been three weeks since Matthew McConaughey, star of Surfer, Dude, and The Beach Bum, delivered his spine-tingling world title showdown speech to Griffin Colapinto.

Hey Griff, I want to get your ear before you get all in your head about this world title business. I want to share a perspective that has helped a lot of my dreams come true.

It’s called be less impressed and more involved. You see, when we are just impressed our dreams are nothing but fairytale dust clouds that we bend our neck to see and never grab a-hold of.

But, where we’re involved, we grab a-hold of those clouds. We grab that fairy dust. We look ‘em in the eye and make ‘em a reality.

You see, this moment that you are in, right now, right here, is a classic yin and yang. It’s a balance of make it happen, let it come. The reason…and… the rhyme. The balance of the engineered and the mystical.

And, the hard work and the dedication and the principals and the goals you have committed to, you engineered those. A hundred percent fact! And the mystical, that stuff that sends you a set wave you need with fifteen seconds on the clock in the final heat of the final event. That out-of-body stuff at that precise moment you need an 8.89 to decide the world title and you surf your way to a nine. Yeah! You gotta keep your antenna tuned to that music as well!

Now, look, it is no accident that you are here right now. Hell, you called your shot a long time ago. These heights that you’re on, now this is your new normal. It’s where you belong. On the way to where you are going!

So remember, how you got here, look this moment in the eye, and own it. Cause the roof is a manmade thing, Griff, and…you…have no lid.

So…fly…

 

 

 

 

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History tells us that not even the fiery words of the Academy Award-winning actor could inspire the San Clementine to unseat world champ Filipe Toledo in the little waves.

Now, Daddy McConaughey, who is fifty-three, has been spotted at the WSL-owned Surf Ranch clashing with two-time world champ John John Florence.

Using the medium of Strider Wasilewski’s Instagram we are privy to McConaughey flexing his goofyfooter bona fides on a soft foam surfboard, handling the wave as smoothly as if he was operating an elevator. One flick of his famous hips and McConaughey floats off the back of the wave. His sex appeal runs out of his pores and oils his skin.

And, here, John John Florence, uses a jetski step-off to claim the wave, the view of his surfing so extraordinary that it is hard to do anything but stare at the screen silently.

Not WSL colour commentator Strider Wasilewski, oft noted for his vicious steroidal tits, of course.

“Bingo Bango Surf Ranch Tango…. Let the good times roll!” says Strider emphatically.

 

 

 

 

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Local kine only.

Have you ever dreamed of leaving it all behind and absconding to Hawaii? Toes in sand, fresh spam musubi in hand, watching the sun turn the sky the most beautiful watercolor painting ever hung. Yes, the most isolate archipelago on earth has its charm, its allure, and whether the dreamer happens to be a surfer, or merely the ex-husband of Britney Spears, there is something for everyone.

Let us take the case of Kevin Federline, though. Former dancer, father of the aforementioned Spears’ two sons. The 45-year-old just recently packed his family of four up and settled down in the Aloha State. None have been seen until yesterday when Federline and his new wife, former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince, were snapped strolling the beach, seemingly very much in love. She in light blue triangle bikini top and black bottoms.

He in a political statement.

Yes, the just-south-of-fit brunette covered himself in a black t-shirt featuring pink writing reading “Keep Lahaina Lands in Lahaina Hands.”

See here.

But you are certainly aware of the devastating fires that burned Maui’s most historic town all the way to the ground, killing nearly 100. In the aftermath, much rage percolated over interlopers who had come to the Valley Isle, buying up large tracts of land. Famous sorts like Oprah Winfrey. Then abhorrence bubbled over flim-flam prospectors who came in, waving cash under the noses of those who had lost everything, “relieving” the bereaved of their charred properties.

Ugly business.

Thankfully, their wicked desires were exposed and championed by the likes of Federline and I’d imagine former Lahaina residents are resting easier knowing that the one-time model has their backs.

Local kine only.

But what do you feel about people who move somewhere and then instantly take on its flavor? Relocating to Jackson Hole, say, and immediately purchasing a cowboy hat. Or New Smyrna and wearing boxer briefs underneath trunks.

Something to think about.